Dating Sucks But You Don't: The Modern Guy's Guide To Total Confidence, Romantic Connection, and Finding the Perfect Partner
Alriiiight! We finally have a WINNER! I would recommend this book as a good read for men, with a few caveats this one comes in at a solid 3.5.
First let's cover the good and then I'll dive into the things I didn't particularly care for about this read.
Connell starts off strong, but had me worried a little bit. He goes heavy on the importance of men being authentic which is solid. My concerns were if he was heading down the "take me as I am, love me for me" route which is usually the excuse someone who isn't interested in self-development uses to stay stagnant in life. He does not allow his readers to get comfortable and instead advocates for men to get comfortable getting outside your comfort zones. He also advocates for men being able to seek and take constructive criticism to improve in your love lives. So no blaming women or anyone else other than yourself. A man who advocates for taking ownership and accountability for what he wants in life and losing the victim mentality.....#win.
I love how he makes respecting and loving women a foundational basis for even approaching women, because surprise, it's ideal you genuinely respect and love women if you seriously anticipate experiencing worthwhile, long-term relationships with one.
Connell's personality shines through in his writing which I'm sure other readers will appreciate, even if his humor is corny lol.
I like that he's actually listened to women and what women want and he debunks a lot of patriarchy myths, although I which he would have addressed patriarchy more directly. He covers how men can overcome their fears of rejection and provides good tips for how men can build up to a first kiss on the first date.
Here's what I wasn't much of a fan of . . .
While I loved his premise of being authentic, being yourself is literally the basic bare minimum and I'm not a fan of hyping the basic bare minimum up as a competitive advantage when it should be the minimum especially when we're talking dating and relationships. Instead, we should all be asking ourselves how we got to a place where lying and wearing masks to impress a love interest became the standard/norm. . . We can thank patriarchy for that, but I'll save that for my own book Sovereign which you can check out and order a free copy of using the link on this website.
If you're not showing up as your authentic self on dates it's illogical to think a woman can ever love you for who you are, because she'll have never met the real you. Patriarchy nurtures this culture where men are encouraged to perform and hide any perceived 'flaws' to attract women and this makes us think good, authentic men are 'rare'. Again, just not a fan of us accepting normalizing bad actors/characters and the norm and rewarding men for doing the basic bare minimum of being authentic.
Just like fathers are praised for being good fathers to their own children while it's expected (no praise) of mothers. Men who are interested in pursuing a relationship need to also be expected to do the bare minimum. This includes showing up authentically.
Not a fan of using PUA examples in any dating or relationship book that presents itself to be focused on finding the right partner for the long haul. He provides a lot of examples of short term, pick up flings to illustrate but there's a difference between how you approach women based on your goals. I could have done without PUA references with regards to the strategies they use . . . PUA is just going to be cringe for a secure woman which is the kind of woman who can provide a healthy, fulfilling relationship for the secure man.
I recommend skipping the cheesy, cringe dating openers suggested. Stick to being direct and playful. Also, please don't call a grown woman 'adorable' . . . she's not your little sister and it's cringe unless you become more familiar with her quirks, etc.
Not a fan of buying into too much of the 'masculine' and 'feminine' talk, as these are often sexist stereotypes aka social construct boxes we put ourselves and others in.
He's more into seeing if you vibe and casual dating.
I'm more about vetting for serious dating upfront.
So on apps, you're not having a bunch of random conversations to 'vibe' before asking for her number or a date.
His focus, like most other dating books for men, focuses on volume of dates vs quality or intentional dating, which is what I advocate for. I don't like the end goal of each date seems to be getting her to leave with a man or kiss/sleep with him (this is PUA background). Some sort of physical interaction shouldn't be the measure of success and he does say this, but I still felt there was an underlying implied message to the men reading that once you're out there and get good you can essentially expect to receive more physical interactions . . . which nothing wrong with that, just don't allow that to become a measure of success as this caters to your ego.
There is mention of "getting women to chase you" which again caters to a man's ego. This is common lingo a lot of men's dating coaches use that needs to stop. Either be a respectful man who seeks mutually beneficial interactions with women or be a PUA . . . can't be both. Pick one.
Another point for men is be mindful that women are not your social rehab centers. You might take his advice to approach a lot of women to get out of your shell but this strategy does project a form of onus onto women to accommodate men in breaking out of your shells. Not sexy. Although later he does advocate for men to only approach women you are genuinely interested in there's still a push for quantity over quality to "get more dates."
That's how you burn out though . . . topic for another book.
Again, as a dating coach I don't believe you can ignore the fact that patriarchy culture and society hurts men's chances of approaching women no matter how nice or good they are, so again, especially men's dating coaches need to be directly addressing this topic, not skating around it.
He proves my point when he suggests using a wingwoman or a woman as a romance recruiter, acknowledging that women trust other women more than they trust men.
Why not address the elephant in the room as to why women don't trust men at least just as much? Instead of 'grifting' off women's trust in each other.
Final note on what I didn't care for was I disagreed on not giving a woman lavish gifts while dating. Flowers, Cute poetry if you're writer about your feelings or her beauty. Even a flight out for a vacation or weekend getaway are acceptable in my book if you've done the work and laid the right foundation. Dating is about what it's like to EXPERIENCE you and the woman you want to be with should experience what other women don't which is lavish gifts among other things if that's your nature.
Stop tying your ego to money and gifts otherwise you will not enjoy dating because you'll be too busy crying over everything you 'lost'. Your dating experiences should be a natural extension of who you are as a person and naturally within your capacity to give comfortably. No different than if you were trying to make a good impression for a new acquaintance or potential business partner so you might gift them something appropriate for that type of relationship like a copy of book you thought they might like or tickets to a game.
You are trying to nurture a relationship that you hope will provide mutual benefit in the future and there isn't any romance involved, so why shouldn't the same rules apply in your love life and dating experiences? Again, I cover these sort of topics in my own book Sovereign which you can order for free on this site.
That wraps it up for this one.
Overall, I do still recommend this book as a solid read for genuine men serious about dating women for the long term and seeking to experience the best of finding the right woman for you.
Just keep all of the other stuff I said in mind.
You can find and order my free book here:
