The Values Gap: The Hidden Psychology Behind Domestic Violence

I recently attended a conference on domestic violence in the Wisconsin Dells. It’s a yearly conference put on by the Wisconsin Association of Certified Domestic Violence Intervention Professionals.

As a Domestic Violence intervention Program Coordinator at a non-profit, and the only one like it in my county, I am always eager to hear what other professionals in the field have to say, what they learned, and ways to apply that knowledge more effectively to ensure the safety of victims while providing information on change to the men in my program who desperately need to hear it.

The keynote speaker, Erika Lawrence, Ph. D., spoke about values as a way to reach men and help change minds. I was curious; I hadn’t thought about it quite in the way that she presented that day. Anything that helps men think differently and on a deeper level is beneficial. I try to do the same with my men.

Men often don’t go there, digging deep into feelings or going past the initial thought of something.

Many of us are resistant to the idea that we could possibly be the cause of the things that aren’t going right in our lives. We, men, work on ego and validation to our ego. We like that stroked and fed. That is part of the patriarchal conditioning that we are raised with as men that makes it harder for us to recognize and at times hard to admit to.

It takes work, sometimes a push with some guidance. I speak from experience. It’s something I had to learn myself. My words and actions didn’t match my values for many years. Things didn’t go well, my relationship deteriorated, and I pushed my friends away.

It was a good time for me to pause and reevaluate.

Many of us men claim certain values; family, parenting, stability for instance but fail to match our words and actions in our daily interactions with the values we claim to have. In the group that I run I often witness a disconnect between the claim the men have of their values and putting those values into practice, walking the walk. I have to remind some of the men that they are in group for a reason; that if they were doing everything well, they wouldn’t be here in the room with me on Monday nights.

There’s hardly a disagreement from any of them to that statement.

We can say we believe something, value something, but how are we showing that to others?

How do we expect our partner to believe that we value family if we stay out all night or hardly help with the kids. Or when we say we value stability and home, we don’t help with bills or do any housework?

Our children watch us, and though they may not have the words, they are taking everything in.

They see that words don’t match actions and they normalize this.

Our partner is not oblivious to this either.

Relationships hinge on trust, and if our partner can't trust that we will act according to our values, it causes cracks in the relationship. When we lack the proof necessary to be believed, that’s only fair. We cannot expect anything different unless we have an awareness of how and where we are or are not practicing what we say. So, the deeper dive is necessary.

Change only happens when we are ready; when we want different more than we want to be comfortable.

It’s sometimes tough work, especially for men, most of whom are not used to sitting in their feelings, thinking deeper about what’s behind their beliefs, and figuring out their values.

I ask them simple questions.

In this case, I asked one of the men what they valued. He instantly answered family. His answer was as simple as my question.

Then, I ask why.

It’s the push they need to come up with an answer.

Sometimes there’s a blank stare, this tells me they’ve never gone that deep or hadn’t in some time.

In this case, ‘Why does family matter?’

Sometimes I’ll help guide them through the second question.

This answer usually stems from societal or family beliefs. When they answer that, I ask why one more time. This is when I get the answer as to why this thing matters to them.

It’s a light bulb moment that shocks and delights them. In that moment they understand what I was trying to do. I want to push them past the point that they feel comfortable. We don’t grow when we are comfortable. We can’t change anything if we don’t think differently and do things differently. That is where the growth often begins.

Our values should guide us. They should be at the forefront of our minds and hearts. They should never harm anyone; not our partner, our children, or anyone else we may encounter.

The question to ask is ‘Are my thoughts and actions leading me toward or away from alignment with the values I claim or want to have in my life?’

If the answer is toward, keep going. If the answer is away from those things, it’s time to pause, take stock, and pivot. It’s never too late.

After that conference I sat down and went through what I think my values are.

There were many.

I found they shifted a little over time, which happens.

I then wrote down the top three that I want to make sure I practice.

Empathy, consistency, and community were my top three. I added a fourth, safety.

Lately, I’ve been making sure that I am practicing being more of a safe space for my partner and my friends. My goal is to be more aware of the times my actions and words are moving me away from that, and to correct that immediately. I now keep these four words, these values where I can see them. I ask myself daily how I am practicing each of these in my day to day life.

I always begin with empathy.

Values aren’t just soundbites we adopt from other people. They shouldn’t be. Nor should we blindly accept those from our parents or grandparents. We need to ask if those values cause or have caused harm to anyone, and if they truly line up with where we want to see ourselves with our partner, children, and community. They should be carefully thought out and decided by no one but ourselves. And our values need to be backed by our words and actions.

Joseph Lopez is a writer and author living in Door County, Wisconsin. He currently works as the Domestic Violence Intervention Program Coordinator at a local non-profit. Follow him on social media at @j.l.writer. His books include two children’s books and Paper Tiger Hunters, a self-help book for teens and adults. His debut novel, Diego Diaz, will be out this summer. All of his books are available worldwide wherever books are sold online.